


cold

by yourlocalheartbreaker



Series: sumayyah writes drabbles! [9]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Basically I Was Annoyed, Hotch Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, No Dialogue, Repeat After Me: Hotch Is Not Cold, Sad Aaron Hotchner, Tags Are Hard, and thus this happened, introspection (?)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-20 11:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30004047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlocalheartbreaker/pseuds/yourlocalheartbreaker
Summary: tomorrow, hotch will act like the case had no effect on him. like he is the stoic and cold and emotionless other-worldly being the rookies always consider him to be. he will tell his team off, not because he wants to, but because it will be him that gets in trouble when the paperwork is not delivered. and they will roll their eyes, mouth curses as they turn to their desks.and he will pretend every gesture is not like a paper cut on his heart. he will pretend that it doesn’t have an impact on him. and then he will close the door to his office- the one he doesn’t even want anymore- and do the paperwork that is technically theirs, with tears in his eyes that cannot spill.(alternatively: hotch isn't cold. he never has been.)
Series: sumayyah writes drabbles! [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2142066
Kudos: 19





	cold

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short thing living in my head that needed to be written before it drove me crazy and became more of a distraction because there is a pile of work that I am yet to do just staring at me
> 
> ALSO I KNOW THIS READS AS TEAM BASHING BUT IT’S NOT. THEY ARE ALL FLAWED PEOPLE THAT SOMETIMES LASH OUT IN MOMENTS OF ANGER. THE TEAMS’ ACTIONS ARE SLIGHTLY OOC FOR PLOT REASONS, AND A NORMAL RESPONSE TO SOME OF HOTCH’S STUNTS. I DO LIKE THEM.
> 
> Warnings: references to child murder, child abuse, death and canon-typical violence

Tomorrow, Hotch will stand before Erin Strauss and the Director of the FBI and put his career on the line once more to protect his team.

He will justify their actions, take the fall, blame himself, and accept whatever consequences they decide upon without complaint. He will not beg, or let the tears roll down his cheeks. He won’t raise his voice or become defensive.

The Director will pounce if he does. And no matter what Erin- she had stopped being Ma’am or Strauss long ago- did, she would not able to stop them. They would strip him of his title and role. They would give it someone else. Someone that wasn’t willing to protect them like he was.

He would convince them that he knew exactly what was going to happen, and that the plan had all been his idea because he won’t- can’t- let them take the blame because he knows what the price will be. A suspension at best. Unemployment at worst.

And he can take it. He always has. But he’s not sure they can.

So he won’t become defensive of his own job, but he would stop them from taking the only family some of his team had ever known from them. He wasn’t part of that family anymore. He hadn’t been since Gideon walked away, leaving him drowning, with nobody to pull him from the water because they were all too busy with Spencer.

He can’t resent them though. Spencer’s life has, and always will, mean more to everyone than his does. He’s replaceable. Anyone can be a competent Unit Chief but not everyone can be a genius with an eidetic memory. 

Tomorrow, Hotch will succeed in pleading his case- he can’t not- and allow himself to breathe when the Director leaves. Erin will touch his shoulder for a moment, and he will feel the tug in his heart that always accompanies someone treating him with kindness.

He will raise his head long enough to meet her kind but disapproving eyes. And then he will shrug her hand off, and turn on his heel because he cannot break down in front of her.

He cannot break down in front of anyone. The only thing he can be useful for is his coldness that destroys unsubs, and the moment he loses that, he will be left. Broken and alone, with nothing to show for his time with the BAU but nine scars on his torso and nightmares that make themselves known through the dark circles under his eyes that nobody ever comments on.

Tomorrow, Aaron will go and play with Jack, letting the smile that takes so much effort to conjure because wherever he turns, he sees another threat or another hiding spot for a killer. He sees something that can take the only pure thing he hasn’t tainted from him.

And not just for a few months like WitSec did. Forever.

But Jack will turn to face him, the perfect reflection of Haley, and he will breathe slightly easier. Because Jack will not grow up fearing the sound of a car in the driveway, or wonder whether or not he will be allowed to eat. He will grow up knowing that his father loves him.

That he is wanted. 

Tomorrow, Hotch will act like the case had no effect on him. Like he is the stoic and cold and emotionless other-worldly being the rookies always consider him to be. He will tell his team off, not because he wants to, but because it will be him that gets in trouble when the paperwork is not delivered. And they will roll their eyes, mouth curses as they turn to their desks.

And he will pretend every gesture is not like a paper cut on his heart. He will pretend that it doesn’t have an impact on him. And then he will close the door to his office- the one he doesn’t even want anymore- and do the paperwork that is technically theirs with tears in his eyes that cannot spill.

But he won’t ever say a word, and they won’t ever say thank you. Because they don’t realise. They just see him as their Unit Chief that has a stick up his arse and a scowl on his face at all times.

But that is tomorrow.

Tonight, Aaron Hotchner will strip himself of the suit he wears like armour because he has checked the locks enough times to know that nobody will be breaking in. Jack is at a friends house, so he can be vulnerable. 

He will strip himself of his suit and climb into bed without ever looking in the mirror, even now, after all these years, because he cannot stand the sight of George Foyet’s marks on his torso. 

He will climb into his bed and he will shatter. He will sob and scream and hate the world until his lungs burn and his head hurts and there are no more tears that he can shed. He will mourn the boy he never got to be, and the people they lost on the case.

He will cradle his pillow the way he wished someone would have held him once. And the only witnesses to his humanity would be the lamp that he still cannot turn off without being reminded of blood and knives and the star on his ceiling that Jack insisted he put up there.

Today, Hotch will allow himself to be Aaron.

Tomorrow, Hotch will pretend that Aaron does not exist, and he will be labelled cold and unfeeling.

But he was never cold. Never. He wasn’t cold then and he isn’t cold now. He just never got the chance to be human.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr: yourlocalheartbreaker
> 
> :)


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